chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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