I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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