He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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