I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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