I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
