One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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