Well douche your snatch and let's go!
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just invented taco cereal.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
