All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize