your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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