She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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