I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
