Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize