Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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