you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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