she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Two words: nipple clamps
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