We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
