Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
