My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
