i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
