You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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