if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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