I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
dude i'm inner monologue high
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
