There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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