i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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