I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he thought i was a dude.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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