I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
