Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
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