My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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