I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
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