fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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