who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize