I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
