Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
