I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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