Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
