Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
