I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
sex in a hospital.. check
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
