Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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