I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
