is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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