she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
