Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Someone shattered a urinal.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
