I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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