I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize