I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize