dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
