He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
