so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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