Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
