I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
