he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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