What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
