It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
