Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize