drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
