my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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