I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
