It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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