my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Even my vagina gasped.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
