phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
