My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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